


Passion will be your downfall

by DreamingIsAlwaysPossible



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Burnout - Freeform, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Mark goes kind of missing during a small part of this, Mental Health Issues, Overworking, Physical symptoms of stress, Sick Lee Taeyong, Stressed Lee Taeyong, all in nct 127 are mentioned, memory lapses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:00:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22992838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamingIsAlwaysPossible/pseuds/DreamingIsAlwaysPossible
Summary: Lee Taeyong, leader of the unit NCT 127 refuses to admit that he can't manage it all by himself, until he drives himself over the edge.(Taeyong sees it as his responsibility to look after everyone and manage everything related to NCT 127 but he's only human and sometimes we all need a break.)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 189





	1. Chapter 1

When the alarm blares at 5 in the morning, just over an hour until practice will start, it feels like he has barely had time to close his eyes. Vision blurry because of fatigue he searches for the snooze button on the phone with only his hand sticking out from under the cover. Not that he has any plans on actually sleeping more but he can’t guarantee he won’t be out like a light again in only a few seconds. His limbs feel heavy, worse than usual, not like the familiar underwater-feeling, more like three gigantic sandbags had been dumped on him while he slept. Trying to stretch the itchy sleepiness out of his shaking arms he pulls down the warm comforter from his face. 

The chilly air hits his upper body and he shivers and attempts to pull the cover back up to his neck even though he knows this about doubles the risk of oversleeping. Staring out in the dark room, the only light being what streams in from under his door from the hallway, he sees his curtains are closed, not that it matters since the sun hasn’t even risen yet and won’t for another hour. Soaking in the warmth for a few more precious seconds he finally sits up and reaches for a hoodie placed strategically on a chair next to the bed. Once it’s thrown on haphazardly it’s the most mentally challenging task left, to get out the rest of him from under the cover. 

Even though he tries to pull on his sweatpants quickly he starts to shiver from the air that hits his, for a few seconds, bare legs. Now he is past the point of return and opens his door to shuffle out into the hallway. 

Most of the other doors are still shut, though it looks like Johnny and Doyoung have already dragged themself to the kitchen. Doyoung’s door is open and he can glimpse Johnny further down the corridor, through the door to the kitchen. 

He starts his usual rounds of waking everybody up. He has a system worked out for this. 

First thing is to knock on the door. If he gets an answer he deems awake enough he continues to the next door. Ordinarily this is enough to get Jaehyun, Yuta and Taeil up. If he doesn’t get an answer it’s time for step two. 

That means going into the room and lighting it up with sunlight. Or, if it has yet to rise like today, make use of all the smaller lamps he can find. If there is none he may have to resort to the ceiling lamp. Jungwoo, Mark and Sicheng, when he is staying with them, are usually awake by the time he’s done with step two.

Most of the time it’s only the maknae who needs some more help to get up. He drags a hand through the brown locks and if the younger still refuses to wake up he carefully shakes him awake or leave him at the mercy of his other hyungs. No one wants to deal with a stressed Doyoung in the morning. 

Leaving the last room he now stands in front of the daunting task of getting everybody out of the dorm in time. He has no idea how he used to get them ready when they were younger and still not fully functioning grown ups. 

After throwing together an acceptable breakfast and making sure all the members had gotten something in them, they all rush through their respective morning rituals.

* * *

As Taeyong pulls on his shoes he stops abruptly. Did he brush his teeth this morning? He can’t seem to remember if he did? He breathes through his mouth and gets a mint taste. So apparently he did. Well, that’s good. Tying his shoelaces he goes through their schedule for the day in his head. 

They all have physical training and dance practice this morning. After that they split up into different groups with most of them going to vocal training but in smaller groups. He and Mark are supposed to work on lyrics for their new songs and then those who can meet up for lunch. Everything good so far.

After lunch they…

He stumbles a little and has to re-tie the last shoe. What were they scheduled to do after lunch? Standing up he notices most of the members have already left for the car and he sees the back of Donghyuck as he drags his feet though the door. Nevermind what they were doing after lunch then, he could just check later. Jaehyun has put on his jacket, so they both walk out of the dorm. Taeyong checks his phone, three minutes to spare. He closes the door behind them.

* * *

Somehow he made it through the day. He had admittedly not had time to eat a lot at lunch since when he finally had time to check the timetable for the rest of the day there had been a bit of a mixup no one had seen before, which had to be solved. By the time he sat down with the rest of the group he was feeling too nauseous to get down more than barely half the portion. 

He is currently sitting in one of the sofas situated in their living room. The members are slowly arriving home one by one. After all, the clock is around nine and they had been up early this morning. 

Some of the others had already gone to bed, or at least retired to their rooms. But no matter how tired Taeyong is, he can’t do that. He has to wait until all of them were home. Which is why he is dragged into a debate with Haechan, Johnny and Taeil about which games are the hottest at the moment, and which they thought were overrated. 

Spacing out he goes through his list again, everyone except for Mark was home by now. Right? Heaving a sigh he forces his tired body of the comfortable seat to check. 

“Taeyong? Are you going to bed yet? You seem tired.” Taeil addresses him before he can make it out into the hallway. 

“Maybe. I just have to check if Mark is home yet, or not.” 

“Okay, let me know, I can wait up for him instead if he’s not here, you need to sleep more.” Taeil has a small frown on his face. 

“No, that’s okay. I'll probably not be able to sleep if he isn’t here anyway,” the younger said lightly as he ducked out of the room.

* * *

Mark wasn’t home. Taeyong had decided to wait in his own room instead, but with the door open so he would know when Mark got home. That was almost two hours ago. 

The dorm at eleven is much more quiet than at nine. Not because most of them are sleeping, but they all respect if someone is. Taeyong has finished redecorating a pair of shoes he’s been working on for a few days and Mark has yet to show his face at the dorm. Taeyong sent the first calm text almost an hour ago. A few had followed after that until he, a little antsy, tried to call Mark fifteen minutes ago. He really tries to give the members their space but at the end of the day he feels responsible for them even if they are adults. Well, most of them are. 

He knows Mark’s schedules finished around the same time as everyone else, since they spent most of the day together. At the time the younger had said he was just going to complete some track ideas he had. It isn’t crazy to assume he is still there with his phone on silent to better focus, but Taeyong just called the receptionist and they said that Mark had checked out almost an hour ago. 

An hour. 

It does not take an hour to get back to the dorms. Not even if someone stops to get food, which is Taeyong’s first hopeful assumption. 

What if something happened on the way home? Was he not driven home? Did the car crash? 

To cease his pacing in his small room he walks back out to the living room. Jaehyun is sitting on one end of the long couch with headphones and a focused gaze on his phone. He is slowly tipping towards Johnny sitting on his left side watching the TV. Jungwoo is sprawled on the other couch, seemingly asleep. 

As Taeyong strides into the room Johnny is the only one who looks up. “Hi, we thought you were asleep already.” 

“I can’t. I don’t know where Mark is.” Taeyong runs a hand through his hair. All this stress on top of all the coloring is really not healthy for his scalp. “I tried messaging and calling him, but he won’t answer. I checked with the reception at the headquarters but he left about an hour ago.” He slumps down next to Jungwoo’s feet. “What if something has happened to him?” He looks over to Johnny. 

The oldest in the room looks contemplative. “Maybe he told someone else where he was going? Was there a manager with him?”

Jungwoo blinks sleepily at them. 

“I don’t know, where do I start? I can’t just run around and have no idea where to look for him!” He’s about to get up and start pacing again when Jungwoo wraps his arms around Taeyong. 

“Wait, are you looking for Mark? Didn’t he say he was going to visit the dream dorm today after training was done?” Taeyong twists his head towards Jungwoo and almost bumps their heads together with how close Jungwoo has placed himself. 

“Really? When did you hear this?” The younger rests his head on the leader’s shoulder. 

“I don’t know” he mumbles sleepily. “Yesterday I think.” 

Taeyong fumbles up his phone. Why did he not think to check the other dorms earlier? No new messages but that doesn’t matter now. He dials Jaemin’s number. He picks up after two signals. 

“Hello, Taeyong-hyung!” he cheerfully greets the leader. 

“Hi Jaemin,” the older softens a bit. “Is Mark there with you guys?” 

“Yeah! It was so much fun to see him again, even though he is so tired he fell asleep. Aish, you older people need so much sleep!” The other rapper says in a teasing voice. Jungwoo continues to twist a bit more, making himself comfortable on Taeyong shoulder again now that he leans back on the sofa. 

“Hey! Watch yourself” Taeyong chides the younger without any heat to his words. “Can you tell Mark tomorrow that I want to talk to him?”

After he receives a confirmation he takes the opportunity to check in on the younger group, now that he can relax. “Everything good with all of you over there?” he asks. 

“Yes, everything’s good. Everyone finally grasped the whole choreography in today's training.” They continue to talk for a while until a screech is heard on the other end of the phone. It sounds like Renjun but could just as well be Jisung with the distortion of the telephone line. 

“Uh, sorry hyung, but I think I need to go now.” 

Taeyong’s eyes narrows but he says “Okay, but take care of yourselves and try to get _some_ rest at least.” 

“Absolutely!” the voice already fading on the other end of the line as the phone is moved further away. “Goodnight hyung!” and the conversation ends. 

Johnny, with Jaehyun now leaning on him similarly to how Jungwoo leans on Taeyong, had gone back to what he was watching but looks over to Taeyong. “Everything solved?” 

The leader lets out a breath and strokes Jungwoo’s hair. “Yes, everything’s good.”

* * *

The next morning they at least get to sleep an hour longer. It’s the same flurry of activity as usual and Taeyong feels like he needs a break after just getting them all ready. He had a smaller stress related breakdown this morning, barely a minute, before he remembered that Mark was staying in the dream dorm. He also couldn't find his… well, _something_ that he was looking for this morning, but it was apparently not even important enough to remember, so it was fine. 

Somehow he messed up the breakfast and it had to be salvaged by Doyoung. But everything is fine. It’s _fine_. They are ready just in time.

* * *

Slumping down on to the floor after going through the motions of practice without the usual fire in him he lets himself breathe. Just get through the day. Now during lunch he needs to talk to Mark. After this he has the collaboration project he had fought to be a part of while the others go home to rest. Then time to practice before the new group he, Mark, Ten and Lucas is going to be included in. He predicts he’ll be home around midnight.

He can feel a small familiar pain start to make its presence known in his chest. He tries to take calming breaths but knows not much will help. Maybe he could tell someone and get to go home with the others. But no, he has things to do, it’s not even that bad. One thing at a time. First talk to Mark. 

When he first started getting pains in his chest he panicked, he thought he was having a heart attack. Now he knows that it's not. Well, he hasn’t completely ruled it out, but he’s still standing. He got used to it. 

Searching for Mark in the room he sees his band mates scattered around in similar states of exhaustion. They’re all tired and none of the others complain so why should he? He’s supposed to be the leader. 

He manages to get Mark alone outside the practice room. The younger stands in front of him, they’re almost the same height now. They’ve both grown since they met all those years ago. 

“So Mark, I’m really not trying to scold you or anything but it’s important that you let people know where you’re going. You could at least have sent a text when you got to the dream dorm yesterday.” The equally tall man looks at him apologetically. 

“Yeah, I get it. Sorry about that, hyung. I just got so caught up in meeting the others again, you know.” Taeyong does know. The dreamies are almost always like a tornado sweeping up everything around them, especially Mark since he used to be a part of them. 

“Of course, but you could have told someone even before leaving training or the dorm.” 

Mark’s face scrunches up a bit in confusion. “But I did hyung, I talked to you about it the day before.” 

Taeyong feels a chill spread through him. He has no memory of that. He looks a bit closer at Mark but the others wide eyes tell him that the other is most definitely not messing with him. He deflates. “Oh, right, now that you say it. Sorry about that Mark.” 

He flashes what he hopes is a reassuring smile at the younger. Mark glances at him one extra time, but then hugs him and says he’s late to the car that is supposed to leave with the rest of 127. 

Taeyong stands there in the corridor a few minutes more. He forgot an entire conversation with Mark. He still has no recollection of Mark mentioning to him that he would go any other place than home yesterday. He forgot. How could he forget? What if he forgets someone else next time and not just during a practice day? What if someone gets left behind at the airport or at an arena? He has to be better. He would not slip again.

* * *

But of course he does. Even the same day. It’s nothing as drastic as forgetting a member of the group but just some lyrics for an upcoming song. It’s not that big of a deal, it has happened to them all. The others in the room probably won’t even remember it. All he does is stand there and feel his neck get a bit red as he gets a reprimand to practice the lyrics more. The lyrics he was part of writing. The lyrics that yesterday he could rattle off easier than water flows. That is the part that gets to him. Yesterday there was no problem and today he’s blanking. He tries to shake off the shame and move on but it still naggs in the back of his mind. 

Finally at the dorms he can feel how the pain from lunch has spread to take up a quarter of his chest and he decides he’s done with this day. Of course the day has decided it’s done with Taeyong as well; there are only a few minutes to midnight left anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

Life continues on. He wakes up, ushers everyone out of the dorm. Goes through training and participates in all his projects. Comes home, makes sure everyone is good and goes to sleep. It’s fine, it’s predictable but he can feel tension building from all the upcoming comebacks and releases. He can see some of the more experienced writers frown when he can’t bring himself to contribute anything. Can feel the questioning eyes from the members when he messes up what day it is, when he’s late to group schedules or when the breakfast gets messed up more often than not because he can’t keep all the different steps in his head at the same time. 

Frankly speaking he himself is tired of it. Tired of feeling like his brain is trying to twist it’s way out of his ears. Tired of not being the driving force during practice. Tired of not knowing if Jungwoo is feeling okay, if Taeil is included enough when they are on air, if they mentioned all the points of the new album. Tired of failing. So he pushes himself more, tries to be better for the band. For them. Because if he’s honest he can barely remember why he wanted to do this in the first place. 

It’s scary. The thing that he has lived for and worked himself to the bone for doesn’t feel like it matters anymore. The only thing that keeps him going is that he knows on a conscious level that it does matter. Or there will at least be consequences if he acts like it doesn't. But he can’t feel it anymore. The fire, the drive, the passion. When did that all go away?

* * *

It’s a few weeks later when he’s once again woken by the alarm in the ungodly hours of the morning. He can’t bring himself to care what time it is. It doesn’t really matter at this point. 

He’s pretty sure that they don’t have anything vital planned today. Well, of course, everything they do is important, must be prioritised but all he can do is lie there. He doesn’t even manage to stare at the ceiling since it feels like there is thousands of grains of sand in his eye that irritate them, it gets worse as he scrubs at his eyes. 

He feels dead. Like the moment he’s not moving a leg it falls back asleep, he wishes he could go back to sleep as well. When was the last time he had a whole day of? No practice, no studiotime nor meetings to plan everything? He can’t remember. Not that him not remembering is something new or spectacular at this point. 

He can feel the pains in his chest start to make its presence known as the thought of staying in bed all day manifests in his mind, he has to much to do to stay in bed!

His eyes fill up with hot tears. They tickle as they fall down his face. His poor eyes are itching even worse now. 

He can hear some shuffling outside his door and he hopes the others manage to get up today because he can’t even motivate himself to get out of bed. 

Just when he guiltily senses his consciousness start to leave him again there is a soft knock on his door. At first he has no intention of answering but can already feel the regret and shame for not getting up and then potentially ignore the others eat at him and he croaks out a “Come in”

Doyoung sticks in his head. When he sees that Taeyong’s still in bed he enters the room. “What are you doing? We have practice in half an hour.” He starts to light up some of the lamps in the room. Taeyong almost smiles as his method of waking the members is used against himself but all that happens is that he feels the tears start to flow from his eyes at a faster pace. 

Turning back to the leader from where he was pulling aside the curtains his eyes widen as Doyoung spots the red eyes. “Are you sick?” He quickly puts a hand on Taeyong’s head but can not detect a fever. 

A sob makes its way out of Taeyong and he feels pathetic. He sees the younger panic more and look a bit lost. 

“Are you okay?” No, he’s not. Something is gravely wrong with him. “Does anything hurt? Is it your neck again?” Taeyong forces himself to answer just to stop Doyoung from working himself up even more. 

“N-no” he breaths stuttering. “No, it’s fine. Everything’s fine.” Well that is obviously a lie, but what can he say? That he doesn’t feel like getting out of bed? That he doesn’t feel like being an idol if this is how it feels now? That he doesn’t have the energy to live like this? 

He just cries harder. “I’m not blind and stupid hyung, something’s wrong. What is it?” The other asks affectionately but Taeyong can’t manage an answer. 

“You know what, I’m have to get someone to help if you won’t talk to me. Who do you want to talk to? Taeil-hyung? Johnny-hyung?” Taeyong feels a hand stroke his arm and suddenly he desperately wants someone to hold him together as he’s slowly breaking apart. The contact is brief and then he’s left alone, cracking at the edges.

The feeling of not being enough and his whole body being twisted around him comes back stronger. A queasy feeling in his stomach more prominent now when his whole body feels numb.

Doyoung’s solution to not getting an answer was to get both of the oldest members. 

Johnny mutters out a “Oh Yongie” as he helps him sit up halfway down the bed with his leg over the edge as Taeil closes the door after them. They sit down on each side of him, Johnny closest the headboard and Taeil on the foot-side of the bed. 

Both of them embrace him and he can feel warmth seep in to him. They sit there a while as Taeyong cries but tries to get his stuttering breathing under control. A hand strokes through his hair while another rubs his back and now he almost cries because of the love he feel from them but there had been enough tears for now. 

Resting his head on Johnny’s shoulder he grabs Taeil’s hand that was resting on his knee. He has finally managed to calm down. 

“Can you talk about what happened?” Taeil asks carefully. He really wants to but where does he start?

“I- uh, was, or still am I suppose, really tired.” He breaths out. Yeah, that’s a good place to start. “I guess I’ve just been feeling really low lately. It feels like no matter how much I do, it’s still not enough and I have just missed or failed at something else.” Johnny’s arm that was resting on his back moves around his waist in to more of a sideways hug. 

“Okay, so this was just tiredness?” Taeil flinches subtly as he realises what he said. “I did not mean _just_ , I-” Taeyong chuckles slightly. 

“It’s okay, hyung, I get what you mean.” It feels good to call someone hyung, that there is someone older who can steer and control the situation. “I don’t know though… I just feel so off sometimes, like I’m being twisted in so many directions. Oh and I-” He stops. Would that be worrying them unnecessarily? Like, _physically_ he was probably fine but…

“What is it, Tae?” the oldest ask. 

“You know you can tell us anything, we’ll be here for you whatever it is.” Johnny adds in from above. 

“It’s just, I’ve been getting these chest pains-” Taeyong feels Johnny’s arm tighten around him at the same time as Taeil’s large eyes snap up to meet his. 

“Taeyong! That’s serious! Have you gotten it checked out?” He shakes his head and can feel a burning warmth on his ears. He knows he should have talked to someone professional about it but there hadn’t been _time_ and he was now quite certain it was just if he got overwhelmed by the things he had to do. 

“No, but it’s not that often, besides I can handle it.” He feels the need to defend himself. 

“That may be, but still! If you’re feeling pain it’s often your body trying to tell you something is wrong, _you have to listen to that_.” How often had they not reminded each other of that, but, at the end of the day, they often just had to power through it. 

“I know” he looks down, can’t meet Taeil’s eyes any longer. “That’s not all though…” 

He can almost hear how both of them stops breathing. His vision gets blurry once again but he doesn’t let the tears fall. “I forget things. Like, not just what we ate yesterday, but like whole conversations. My mind sometimes goes blank when I try to remember lyrics and I- I’m just so worried that someday I’ll for- forget one of the younger ones when we all are at an event or something.” He feels Johnny’s exhale brush his hair to the side. 

“Why didn’t you tell us it was this bad?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know what i think of this ending, it felt quite "cliche" and a bit lame, but anyway! It's happy! And hopeful! Just like our boys deserve so there's that at least.

A few days after his messy break down in front of his hyungs they had taken him to a doctor. The doctor confirmed what Taeyong had suspected, the chest pain was stress related. 

He is diagnosed with a burnout but since they can’t force him to make any changes in his life he just takes the confirmation and goes back home with Johnny and Taeil. 

The doctor had added that these things don’t just show up out of nowhere, it’s often the result of long time exposure to stress and takes time to work through, but he still declined the treatments and therapy.

The whole group has a conversation about the situation and mental health, so that everyone is one the same page. 

Despite all of this Taeyong did for some reason not expect much to change. He was so used to the way that things were and felt like he couldn’t just expect everyone around him to act differently. 

* * *

The first thing he notices as he wakes up is the lack of annoying alarm-sounds. As he blinks awake he’s met with Yuta’s smiling face, which perhaps should be a bit alarming, rarely anyone ever wakes him up if it’s not an emergency, but the smile is comforting. He finds himself smiling back. 

“C’mon, Taeyong, breakfast is ready!” He is what he hears as his friend bounces back out into the hallway. 

It’s easier than usual to get out of bed, the air feels warmer. He dresses quickly and move out of his room. But when he gets out into the hallway all the doors are already open. 

He pauses and walks more slowly to the kitchen. There he’s met with his whole, tired but awake, group. Doyoung and Donghyuck is just putting the last parts of the breakfast on the table for everyone to dig in to. It’s the usual cheerful atmosphere and Taeyong feels himself relax a bit. 

After a few days Taeyong gets used to sometimes being woken by Yuta instead of his alarm.

* * *

When they, someday later, run into a schedule mix up Taeil quietly tells Taeyong to go with the rest of the group and that he will deal with the rescheduling. And just as he said, it’s solved efficiently and Taeil rejoins the group shortly after. 

After that Taeil takes a more prominent role with planning. Taeyong is grateful for the support he has during some meetings and to have someone closer than their boss to discuss pros and cons about the planning with.

* * *

One of the harder things to relearn was to trust Johnny or Doyoung to help him count in everyone. It’s not that he doesn’t trust them but more that he know how hard it can be to count right and keep track of all the people around them. But it’s necessary. In his current state he almost trusts them to keep track of it better than himself, he’s just sorry it took for him to forget Renjun at a restaurant to trust them with it. But don’t worry! The rest of dream were quick to notice someone in their ranks missing. 

* * *

He still wakes up with chest pains on some days, and sometimes he doesn’t have the whole schedule in his head, but it’s finally okay because the others help him. Sometimes he gets confused or lost in a conversation but it’s not the end of the world, his family is there for him. 

Now, in hindsight, Taeyong knows he would have been forced to let up some of the control sooner or later. He’s glad they worked out a system and that they can function even when he’s not there. Now he can leave them without worrying  _ too _ much when he’s forced to go with SuperM, even if he checks in with them at least a few times every week. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you got this far, thank you! Please let me know what you think <3


End file.
